anxiety

anxiety. an intense feeling, fear, or wave of uneasiness. persistent worry. constant feeling of doubt and thinking about things going wrong. you may start to sweat, feel tense or restless, as well as having a rapid heartbeat. you may not be able to catch your breath, and feel like you're almost dying. anxiety.

if you know me, you know I love doing it all. I am constantly busy and having a full day ahead of me. I love being able to do everything I possibly can. however, it's difficult when you constantly are in a state of fear of messing up. fear of something going wrong and effecting the rest of your plans. fear of not being good enough.

I was diagnosed with anxiety my freshman year of college, about 3 years ago. I remember my very first time having an anxiety attack. it was in my dorm bathroom and I thought I was dying because I couldn't breath and my vision was blurry and my hearing went out. over christmas break, I then went to an appointment and found out I had anxiety. this was a complete shock to me, considering I was already an adult out on my own. I get anxiety attacks about once-twice a month, but there was a period of time when it was once-twice a day. this was a very dark time in my life. because they were happening so often, I would cause myself to have even more attacks because I would be worrying about when the next one would happen. this is when life felt more like a chore or battle, rather than something I was excited to be waking up for everyday. however, I wasn't going to let this set back change how I live my life.

I started doing all of these little things that helped, as well as having an amazing support system by my side. I make sure to have reminders everywhere (on my laptop case, on my mirror, in my car, etc.) just reminding myself that I am more than my anxiety. reminding myself that anxiety doesn't define who I am. although anxiety is very difficult to deal with, you will get past it. anxiety can actually be a positive thing if you look at it in the right light?

anxiety is a beautiful thing. it's beautiful because it's just you wanting things to go right so badly. it's just you caring so much that it's debilitating. anxiety shows up because you want the most out of every single day, so you worry that isn't gonna happen. being an anxious person is being so thoughtful that it makes you sick. it's fearing the worst because you want the best. it's sweating the small things because everything matters to you. do you know how special it is to care as much as you do?

anxiety is beautiful but it's exhausting. it's like playing tug of war constantly with what's in your control and what isn't. even on the days that you let go of the rope, your hands are still burning. it's losing sleep over your health because you love life so much you want it to go on as long as possible. it's worrying about other people because you love them so much, you want them to be as happy as they possibly can. it's knowing how deeply you want things to work out, so you try to eliminate every way that they could possibly not work out.

i know you're tired of caring this much. i know it's hard to see the beauty in a storm when it won't let up and it's ruining things and keeping you inside and it's dark and it's beyond your control, but in the same way that it has to rain sometimes, you have to feel. there's nothing wrong with you. you just want everything to work out so badly. that's what your anxiety really is. there's beauty in that.

i know that when i still get panic attacks, it can be a little scary. however, it's important to remember to take a deep breath and remember that everything will be okay. remember that everything will happen according to God's plan. remember that anxiety or whatever may be going on in your life does not define you. remember to always give yourself grace:)